~It's 12:27 & I Should Be Sleeping~

~Like it says right there, it's late and I should be sleeping~~~But I can't, my mind will not shut off my heart will not stop aching and missing him~~~I have been fighting tears all day and there really is no reason for crying~~~He will be home in a little less then 5 month's and then all will be well~~~I guess it is all the what ifs and the fact that most people seem to focus on the bad and the past~~~Yes I understand that the past should not be forgotten and that we need to learn and grow form it~~~But does the past ever really leave us?~~~Do we ever really get a chance to start over?~~~Yes there are always going to be scar's, but those fade, don't they?~~~I guess I just wish I could borrow a time machine form someone and go back and change things~~~But then again I don't not want to change anything because those thing's that have happened have brought me to the place I am at and to the people I know~~~The past has hurt, it has hurt like hell~~~But to be 101% honest I would not change it, yeah I may wish some things would not have happened or been done~~~But like I said I would not be who I am today without those hurts and other things~

~My sister said I looked happy and joyful the other day~~~I thought she was crazy~~~But now that I look back I would have to say I am happy, happier then i have been in a really love time~~~Yeah maybe the Man I love is locked up for a minute~~~But you know what I rather know what may heart wants and not have it at the moment, then to be with someone and feel empty and alone~~~I have been there done that~~~My happyness not longer has to do with other's~~~I can finally say I know who I am, what I want and where I am going~~~I no longer feel like a lost puppy looking for a home~~~My life may seem crazy to those on the out side, and in ll honesty it is crazy~~~But my head and heart are no longer crazy~~~I love my life and would not trade it for anyone Else's (OK maybe I would trade it with a CO on Centinela B-Yard, but only for the next few months)~

~Anyway I think I have rambled on enough for now and I can finally head off to bed~

~I love you all and have a great, safe and happy new year!~