Who Really Cares Anyway

The title says it all, who really cares anyway, about anything or anyone. I hate everything and pretty much everyone. I am annoyed at my friends for being annoyed at me and for needing me when I don't want to be needed. I am super pissed off at my babies dad because he has been putting me on hold for the last 13 months since he got out of prison. I can't stand that he wants me to be okay with his son, who was consieved not even 10 months after our daughter was born. I am pissed off at him for every having re-lapsed when he did and getting "That Girl" pregnant. I am pissed that I ever even loved him in the first place. I love my daughter, but wish it were not the way it is. I don't know weather to cry or scream right now. If I cry I may never stop and if I scream someone might call the cops thinking I am being beat or something.

I see people who are happy, people like my sister in MI. Why cant that be me? Oh I will tell you why, because I have made such a shit whole of my life and now matter what I do I am going to have to deal with either my crap or someone else's. Yes I have pretty much never done anything right and therefore will NEVER be happy. I have to be someone else, someone who is okay with second best and it really pisses me off. Where is that time machine for all those movies, I want to go back, I don't want to be here. I don't want to have to be okay with second best anymore. I HATE THIS. I cant deal with this crap anymore, I hate everything. But then again who am I to think that anyone even cares. The people that should care, who say they care, are all just big fat liers and don't really give a crap about any of this.

If I am nice, it just makes me feel like more crap because I feel like I am being walked on. If I am mean I get yelled at and told I need help. If I do nothing people ask what is wrong. If I am happy I am only lieing to the whole world. The only 2 things in this whole world that even keep me here are my Daughter and my cat(who thinks he is a dog) If it were not for them, then I would just go find a new place somewhere where no one knows me and live the rest of my life there. I would not even tell my family where I was, I would just not be anymore.


UGH WHERE IN MY TIME MACHINE.

~It's 12:27 & I Should Be Sleeping~

~Like it says right there, it's late and I should be sleeping~~~But I can't, my mind will not shut off my heart will not stop aching and missing him~~~I have been fighting tears all day and there really is no reason for crying~~~He will be home in a little less then 5 month's and then all will be well~~~I guess it is all the what ifs and the fact that most people seem to focus on the bad and the past~~~Yes I understand that the past should not be forgotten and that we need to learn and grow form it~~~But does the past ever really leave us?~~~Do we ever really get a chance to start over?~~~Yes there are always going to be scar's, but those fade, don't they?~~~I guess I just wish I could borrow a time machine form someone and go back and change things~~~But then again I don't not want to change anything because those thing's that have happened have brought me to the place I am at and to the people I know~~~The past has hurt, it has hurt like hell~~~But to be 101% honest I would not change it, yeah I may wish some things would not have happened or been done~~~But like I said I would not be who I am today without those hurts and other things~

~My sister said I looked happy and joyful the other day~~~I thought she was crazy~~~But now that I look back I would have to say I am happy, happier then i have been in a really love time~~~Yeah maybe the Man I love is locked up for a minute~~~But you know what I rather know what may heart wants and not have it at the moment, then to be with someone and feel empty and alone~~~I have been there done that~~~My happyness not longer has to do with other's~~~I can finally say I know who I am, what I want and where I am going~~~I no longer feel like a lost puppy looking for a home~~~My life may seem crazy to those on the out side, and in ll honesty it is crazy~~~But my head and heart are no longer crazy~~~I love my life and would not trade it for anyone Else's (OK maybe I would trade it with a CO on Centinela B-Yard, but only for the next few months)~

~Anyway I think I have rambled on enough for now and I can finally head off to bed~

~I love you all and have a great, safe and happy new year!~

~Moving, Moving, Always Moving~

~Yup I am moving again~~~I've been thinking about it for a little while now,(need more space and a place to park my Falcon) but this morning God made up my mind for me~~~LOL~~~I was getting ready to leave when the lady of the house (I rent a room from a young family) came up to me and said she needed to talk to me for a sec~~~My first though was that she was going to ask we when I would have rent for them (it is due on the 8th and I am almost always a few days late, I HATE IT)~~~But anyway she goes on to tell me that her mother is going to be moving in(she is having money prob's, but then again who is not these days) and I asked if that ment they needed my room and it they needed me to move out~~~She hated to say it, but she said I had as long as I needed to move and that it was not a rush, her mother is moving down on the 10th of november, but that she could stay in there daughters room for a little while if need be~

~Now most of you are probably thinking, "oh sarah what are you going to do?, where are you going to go"~~~But I am not worried at all~~~It's funny how God works, I mean not even a month ago someone was asking me if I would like to rent there extra room from them~~~I told them I had to think about it because I really liked were I was living and did not want to just up and leave them~~~And then this morning I am asked to move~~~LOL~~~I love it when God make's up my mind for me~

~So I guess that means the boxes I still have packed from my last move(january of this year) can stay packed a little longer~~~So I will be moving again, my only worry is getting my big king side bed down stairs (AGAIN)~~~You should have seen me, my mom and 2 of my sisters moving it up those stairs, let me tell you it was a sight~~~LOL~~~Maybe I will just throw it out my 2nd story bedroom window this time~~~LOL~

~This Life I lead~

~I feel as though I am living two different lives~~~One with Danny in it and one without~~~Were I live, go to church, at my chiropractors, at my second job(D.S.I.)and with a small group of friends, he is there and I feel the most like me, content and I can breath~~~I can talk about him, let people know how we are doing and all that other good stuff!~~~Then there is the other life, the one were if I even mention his name I get looks, comments and the air gets thick and icky~~~I can understand that alot of people were hurt with my through everything that has happened over the last 2 & 1/2 years and I am grateful for those people who helped and were/are there for me through all of that!~~~Don't get me wrong I am not upset with anyone about how they feel about Danny and everything he put me, us through~~~And I know (and so does he) that he has alot of proving and healing of relationships to do before anything is even close to being made right~~~And I know I myself have said alot of not so nice things about him(even if they were/are true they were still not nice to say) and the fact that I am talking with him again upsets ALOT of you~~~But whether we like it or not he is Anne Shirley's dad, her DNA, her blood~~~True he may not have been in her life for the last 1 & 1/2 and in fact may never be, I truly do not know for sure at this point~~~But if he chooses to do the right thing and be in her life, there is nothing anyone is going to do about it~~~God tells us to forgive, to give second chances, to be Christlike~~~Yeah he may mess up again, but if all he is ever told is that he is worthless and no-good, well then how Christlike are we really being?~~~Look at all of us, we all have things we are ashamed of, that we try to hind from everyone, but God knows and if we ask He will forgive us and put it as far as the east is from the west(in other words he forgets about it)~~~People can change and sometimes all they need is someone to believe that they can and to know that even though they have made a total mess of there life, that it is not to late to start over~~~I believe in the power of God's salvation and that it has and will change lives FOREVER, no matter how bad the past is~~~You can not move forward and move on from the past if yo are still living in it~

~Some people have told me I am not looking at the the worth of my self, that I am acting as though I do not care about how precious I am in God's eye's~~~That is not true, I know know how much God loves me and that he wants the best for me in my life~~~And that is what I am doing, I am letting God take care of things, I am not chasing after some fairytale dream or some romantic fantasy that is not out there~~~I FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE am looking at real life and how things are~~~I am trusting God to bring whomever He sees fit to be in my life~~~Most of you do not know the Danny I fell in love with 3 years ago, heck most of you do not know Danny at all (only what you have heard) and most of you who do know who he is only got to see the bad side of him, the drug side, the crazy side~~~But if you could have known the Danny I first knew and fell in love with, well you would see why I believe in him and what God can do~~~True God may not bring us back together and heal the great relationship we once had~~~But who am I to say no if God says yes~

~You should know I am daily in prayer about where to go or be in my life~~~I have more to think about then just myself, I have the biggest blessing in the whole world, one that is straight from God, I have Little Anne Shirley!~~~And everything I do is because of or for her~~~God plans every life and she is not here just by chance or mistake~~~No, God knew before I had even thought of her that I was going or be her mother, her keeper, her first friend & he also knew that Danny would be the other part of that~~~So like I said before he my or my not be around right now, but if he chooses to be, I will not be the one to stop him~~~As long as he is on the right track and doing what is right before God(not what people think is right), then he will be in our life's~~~So if you have any problem with this and feel the need to tell me I am wrong, well then good ahead, bring it on~~~But just know that I am doing what I know is right in my heart and more impotently I know I am doing what is right before my Lord and Maker~~~So anything to have to say is going straight to God~

~Sincerely Sarah Lynn Sovilla~

~1964~

~No it was not the year I was born, or even the year anyone I know was born~~~No it was the year that my wonderful, beautiful 4 door Ford Falcon was sold/made!~~~Yup a 1964 Ford Falcon~~~Now if you were to look at this car today you would say to yourself (and probably even to me for that matter) "Whats the big deal, I mean it is nothing but a striped old car with primer pain. That's nothing to get all excited about"~~~I would have to say, that yes to just see it walking down the street it looks like nothing, just a pile of metal~~~But to me and even more imported to my sister Rachel it is a dream and longing to make something more out of something old~~~Now I am not sure if she even cares one way or the other about this car anymore?~~~But I do and although people have told me over and over to just get rid of it, I CAN'T~~~I know it might seem really silly to you, but to me that car means so much more then just something to drive~~~That car has memory's, it has history, and most importantly it was made in the great old U.S. of A.!~~~Now how many cars now a days can you say that about?~

~Ethan Sparks~

~Travel back in time to at least 20 years ago and you will know who I am talking about~~~Ethan Sparks was the love of my little 3rd grade life!~~~Everything for my first boy/girl phone call to picking out that valentine just for him out of the book of 32~~~I think back on all the silly sweetness and long to be back there at times~~~I will never forget the last time I saw him him, his family was moving and his little sister was looking for her pink pants~~~LOL~~~I can still hear her saying "Pink pants, pink pants" over and over~~~Anywho last I had heard his family was living in an attic and who knows what else~~~I've spent the last 20 years trying to find him~~~I used to dream about us meeting again and falling in-love (LOL that is the silly romantic in me)~~~But anyway lets jump back here to July 2008~~~I found him!~~~I (like I have so many other times) typed the name Ethan Sparks into the search bar on Facebook and held my breath and said a little prayer has I hint enter key~~~And there it was, a little list of 4 guys by the name of Ethan Sparks~~~So I did the whole "Hey have you ever lived in cali and were you ever home schooled" note thing and sent them off the all 4 Ethan's~~~And Finally, Finally I get the reply I have been waiting for "Yes I have and yes I used to have a little friend named Sarah~

~So after 20 years I have found my long lost Friend Ethan!~~~It is kind of weird because now I don't have anymore searching to do~~~LOL~~~Of course he is married and has 2 kid's now~~~But I am so happy to have found my long lost Ethan Sparks!~

~Thanks for reading~

~Christopher Laurie's Death~

~I was just checking my email and had an email from a friend saying that Christopher Laurie (Son Of Pastor Greg Laurie) was killed yesterday in a car accident~~~It is so weird, I mean I knew him (not well, but I knew him none the less) and now he is gone~~~I rented a room from his father-in-law for a little while and there were pictures of him, his wife and daughter all over~~~It is so strange to think he has passed on, he is in heaven now~~~I rejoice that Chris knew the Lord and the he is now with the Father~~~It is a bittersweet thing though because of the family left behind~~~His wife Britney is pregnant with there second child(due November) and that is going to be harder then I can even begin to imagine going through~~~Prayers are greatly needed now for what is to come~~I hurt for Stella(his daughter) she is only a few months older then my little Anne and she is not going to have her father growing up along side her~~~She was just bearly getting to know him, just bearly making memory's and now he has passed~~~My mother lost her father when she was 3 years old and I have always wondered how it was growing up without a father~~~I've been lucky to have my father through my whole childhood and still now (even though I did not always like what he told me to do) I have always loved him and looked up to him~~~Come to think of it I don't think he knows that~

~~~But anyway with all these deaths going on around me (My Grandfather passed on July 9th) it makes me think about life and how short and uncertain our time here really is~~~We are only here a short while, but what he do here as everything to do with what happens after we have passed on~~~We spend so much time worrying about what others think and about what makes us happy and when you really sit down and think about it none of that stuff matters if you are going to hell in the end~~~Why are we not out there everyday telling people about God and all he has done and can save us from~~~Why are we worried about upsetting people with God's truth~~~We stand by and watch people waste there lives away and then die, all this without every even telling them "Hey God Loves you and wants to be in your life and save you from the pit's of hell"~~~Why do we wait until after people are gone to think "Oh I wish I had told them about God"~~~WHY, WHY, WHY~~~There is nothing to fear but fear it's self, we have nothing to loss, I mean we have God on our side and in the end we will be with Him~~~So nothing else should matter~~~Yet for some reason it does~

~~~Anyway I could go on for days about this, but seeing as my sister Rachel is going to be the only one who reads this I am going to sign off~~~The Lauries and all who knew Chris are in my prayers~



~Love you all~

~Sarah~

~http://christopherandbrittany.com/~